Nigel had no idea what the meeting was about.
This was not unusual.
The invitation had arrived three weeks earlier with the title “Q3 Operational Alignment and Stakeholder Synergy Review.” The title alone suggested that nobody involved knew what the meeting was about either.
At 10:03 a.m., Nigel joined the Microsoft Teams call.
There were already forty-seven people in attendance.
Most had their cameras off.
A few had profile pictures featuring mountain ranges, dogs, or children they clearly preferred to be speaking to.
Someone called Darren was presenting a PowerPoint containing several arrows.
The arrows appeared to be collaborating.
Nigel muted himself and settled into the familiar routine of occasionally nodding at nobody.
At 10:17 a.m., he remembered there was no milk at home.
The corner shop was approximately three minutes away.
The meeting had another ninety-eight minutes remaining.
An idea occurred.
It wasn’t a good idea.
But it was an idea.
Nigel connected his wireless headset, slipped his phone into his pocket, and quietly left the house.
The presentation continued.
“…if we look at the customer journey…” Darren was saying.
Nigel crossed the street.
No one noticed.
Confidence grew.
He entered the shop.
The automatic doors hissed open.
A woman was discussing cat food with surprising intensity.
Nigel selected milk.
Then biscuits.
Then crisps.
He reasoned that if he was already there, efficiency demanded a full procurement exercise.
From his headset came another voice.
“Any thoughts on that, Nigel?”
His entire body froze.
The shop suddenly became very loud.
He had absolutely no idea what the question was.
Fortunately, twenty years in corporate environments had prepared him for this exact scenario.
“Yes,” he said calmly. “I think there are definitely some interesting considerations there.”
Silence.
Then several voices agreed.
“Good point.”
“Absolutely.”
“Couldn’t agree more.”
Nigel placed a packet of digestives into his basket.
The crisis appeared to have passed.
He approached the checkout.
Unfortunately, the self-checkout machine had different plans.
The moment he scanned the milk, it announced:
PLEASE PLACE ITEM IN BAGGING AREA.
The message echoed through his headset.
Conversation on Teams stopped.
Nigel could practically hear forty-seven people wondering why his stakeholder alignment sounded remarkably like a supermarket.
He reacted instantly.
“Sorry,” he said. “That’s… one of the new notification systems.”
There was a pause.
“Right,” said Darren.
Nobody sounded convinced.
Nigel scanned the biscuits.
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA.
This time someone laughed.
Another person muted themselves suspiciously quickly.
Nigel paid and headed for the exit.
He was almost home when he heard another voice.
It was Sharon from Finance.
Sharon rarely spoke.
When she did, things tended to happen.
“Nigel,” she said, “are you shopping?”
Nigel considered lying.
But he had learned over the years that competence was often scrutinised, while honesty merely confused people.
“Yes.”
Another silence.
Longer this time.
“Right,” said Sharon.
Then, unexpectedly:
“Could you grab me a loaf of bread?”
Three other people immediately requested items.
Within thirty seconds the meeting had transformed into an informal grocery collection service.
Darren continued presenting his arrows while Nigel took orders.
By the end of the session he had acquired bread, eggs, tea bags, and, for reasons nobody could adequately explain, a garden trowel.
The meeting concluded at noon.
No decisions had been made.
No actions had been assigned.
Nobody could clearly articulate what had been discussed.
However, eight employees had successfully completed their weekly shopping.
Management later described the meeting as highly productive.
Which, by corporate standards, was difficult to argue with.
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